We are all too precious these days and should be saying it how it is.
It was spawned around 1980. Now - 30 years later, not a day goes by without another correctness rule chapter added to the fastest growing and now most popular manual in the world. The manual of political correctness. Let us review a few of these pearls of wisdom.
Chapter 20. Thought police say Christmas is a no no. Close it down. It will offend other religions.
Chapter 25. Jovial present giver, Father Christmas is accused of being a lie by correctness gurus. He's in the process of being de-ho ho'd together with the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny (oops! "ho ho" is politically incorrect. See Chapter 207). Winnie the Pooh is out and the books burnt because Winnie is associated with an inappropriate word. Out they all go!
Chapter 8. Not even Enid Blyton's "Noddy" escaped the madness. Noddy was branded a middle-class snob, prompting book and television rewrites to make him more "normal".
Chapter 1. Baby boomers will remember Florence Kate Upton's "Golliwogs". Shock horror. Black! This was the birth of the political correctness manual when the experts glanced at an illustration of a coloured person and decided it was time to act.
In England, a non potically correct citizen erected a barb wire fence to protect his house but was ordered to take it down as authorities were worried intruders might hurt themselves. In Australia, a citizen was asked to take down the Australian National flag flying on a flagpole outside his home as a neighbour considered it offensive.
Has the world gone mad?
The following "Politically Correct Tale of Little Red Riding Hood" by Jim Scanlon puts it all into peerpective..
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only Congress would appropriate the money to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and got a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalised peoples (Nosferatu) would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous....what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Quik-Eze?"
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Big brother babe wants to sell her virginity
Capitalism is alive and well despite the rough ride in the financial markets the last few days.A former Italian Big Brother contestant wants to sell her virginity for a million Euros (US $1,438,500). Ex-showgirl Raffaele Fico made the offer while posing for racy photographs in an Italian magazine. Ms Fico, 20, a devout Catholic, wants the money so she can buy a house and take acting lessons.
Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can make a cool million? It makes sense. But why would you want to pay all that money for such a messy uneventful experience?
I thought Catholics were against prostitution. It must be something in the water or being a Big Brother contestant that makes them do strange things.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wind-breaking mom a star of the show
Thanks and all credits to http://tauntvortex.blogspot.com/ for this flatulating story
DeFuniak Springs, FL - Part of the universal experience of being a teenager is enduring the slings and arrows of embarrassing words and deeds from their own parents. Perhaps no teen in America is more keenly aware of this than 14 year old Hannah Faye Foster of DeFuniak Springs.
"It's Gosh-awful embarrassing," says the aspiring young actress. "I mean, I'm glad mom tries to be supportive of me and all, but then she'll sit right in the front row during one of my musicals, and it happens."
"It" is the extreme flatulence of her mother, Beverly Foster. "Like, I had the lead role of Becky Thatcher in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer," Hannah elaborated, "and in the scene Tom's trying to impress me and I'm supposed to be all coy and everything, and then mom just lets one rip. It totally blows."
Beverly Foster's bouts of wind-breaking are notoriously loud and frequent. According to one patron of the DeFuniak Springs Community Playhouse who wished to remain anonymous, Mrs. Foster can often be heard as far back as section W, "even during a musical with the full orchestra playing." "The frequency varies," said another theater-goer, "from a low of about 4 during The King and I, up to about 11 times during Oklahoma. But that makes sense."
Much to Hannah's chagrin, Mrs. Foster has season tickets for her front row seats. Mrs. Foster claims that she simply loves to watch her daughter perform, as any proud parent would. "But I don't do it on purpose," she insists. "I've been to a bunch of doctors, and they just can't find anything. I've even cut back on broccoli, P.F. Changs and Hot Pockets, and it still happens."
Hannah says she tries to empathize with her mother, but notes that her gas-passing seems to be at its worst during her musicals. "She never farts during Coby's baseball games." To Hannah's credit, despite having dialogue punctuated by ear-splitting flatulence, she never forgets her lines."
The bright stage lights help," said Hannah. "I can't really see her, so I just pretend it's Mr. Bartlett*. But my eyes will still water a lot."
Despite her spunky "show must go on" attitude, Hannah Faye Foster is frequently the target of local dinner theater critic Lourdes Murilo. After a recent performance of Oklahoma, Murilo said of Hannah Faye's performance : "Her acting is horrid. She truly is the black hole of 8th grade talent. Watching her makes me look forward to the sequel to Gigli. If anything, her mother's disturbing flatulence is a pleasant distraction from Hannah's disturbing acting." Murilo went on to describe Hannah's awkward dancing as "An inspired combination of Elaine's 'kick' dance on Seinfeld and Dieter on 'Sprockets' from Saturday Night Live."
Look for Hannah Faye in the DeFuniak Springs Community Playhouse Production of "The Matrix" in November, where she will revive the role of Trinity. The Taunt Vortex recommends the balcony seating.* the kindly school bus driver who eats "Slim Jims" by the caseload.
DeFuniak Springs, FL - Part of the universal experience of being a teenager is enduring the slings and arrows of embarrassing words and deeds from their own parents. Perhaps no teen in America is more keenly aware of this than 14 year old Hannah Faye Foster of DeFuniak Springs.
"It's Gosh-awful embarrassing," says the aspiring young actress. "I mean, I'm glad mom tries to be supportive of me and all, but then she'll sit right in the front row during one of my musicals, and it happens."
"It" is the extreme flatulence of her mother, Beverly Foster. "Like, I had the lead role of Becky Thatcher in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer," Hannah elaborated, "and in the scene Tom's trying to impress me and I'm supposed to be all coy and everything, and then mom just lets one rip. It totally blows."
Beverly Foster's bouts of wind-breaking are notoriously loud and frequent. According to one patron of the DeFuniak Springs Community Playhouse who wished to remain anonymous, Mrs. Foster can often be heard as far back as section W, "even during a musical with the full orchestra playing." "The frequency varies," said another theater-goer, "from a low of about 4 during The King and I, up to about 11 times during Oklahoma. But that makes sense."
Much to Hannah's chagrin, Mrs. Foster has season tickets for her front row seats. Mrs. Foster claims that she simply loves to watch her daughter perform, as any proud parent would. "But I don't do it on purpose," she insists. "I've been to a bunch of doctors, and they just can't find anything. I've even cut back on broccoli, P.F. Changs and Hot Pockets, and it still happens."
Hannah says she tries to empathize with her mother, but notes that her gas-passing seems to be at its worst during her musicals. "She never farts during Coby's baseball games." To Hannah's credit, despite having dialogue punctuated by ear-splitting flatulence, she never forgets her lines."
The bright stage lights help," said Hannah. "I can't really see her, so I just pretend it's Mr. Bartlett*. But my eyes will still water a lot."
Despite her spunky "show must go on" attitude, Hannah Faye Foster is frequently the target of local dinner theater critic Lourdes Murilo. After a recent performance of Oklahoma, Murilo said of Hannah Faye's performance : "Her acting is horrid. She truly is the black hole of 8th grade talent. Watching her makes me look forward to the sequel to Gigli. If anything, her mother's disturbing flatulence is a pleasant distraction from Hannah's disturbing acting." Murilo went on to describe Hannah's awkward dancing as "An inspired combination of Elaine's 'kick' dance on Seinfeld and Dieter on 'Sprockets' from Saturday Night Live."
Look for Hannah Faye in the DeFuniak Springs Community Playhouse Production of "The Matrix" in November, where she will revive the role of Trinity. The Taunt Vortex recommends the balcony seating.* the kindly school bus driver who eats "Slim Jims" by the caseload.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Can I borrow a couple of million?
It costs $2 million plus and labelled the world's priciest car.
Ok. I'm not a car freak but it would be good for my image to cruise around town in this beast. Problem is, I would be scared to park it anywhere other than the vault of a bank. One scratch would cost zillions to repair. I couldn't just leave it parked in the street as it would stand out like a sore thumb and get knocked off by an enterprising car thief and rebirthed in another country in the blink of an eye.
Another problem. It uses 40 litres of fuel per 100 kilometres in city traffic or would run out of fuel in 12 minutes travelling at 250km/h. With the price of fuel these days, it means I would have to get a personal loan and not eat to fill the tank the necessary number of times each week to keep the thing running.
Built by Volkswagon, this Bugatti Veyron is a mid-engined sports car that can rocket to 100km/h in 2.5 seconds. On the autobahns of Europe it can legally reach speeds of more than 400km/h
End of daydream. I have to settle for a scooter.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
It's great to be back!
I've returned from my somewhat extended and disappointing trip. Let's not talk about that!
Damn. It's good to be home again.
But on a brighter note, first thing I see is this crazy story about a women's revenge against her unfaithful husband. It' a rib tickler!
The story unfolds...
Scorned wife's eBay revenge against husband
August 14, 2008 12:00am Sydney Daily telegraph
A SCORNED Queensland woman is literally airing her husband's dirty laundry on a global scale by auctioning his mistress's knickers on eBay.
In a spiteful listing on eBay Australia, the jilted woman is auctioning off a pair of lacy black underpants "size humongous" and an empty condom wrapper "size small" found in her bed after her husband allegedly engaged in an extramarital affair with a woman named Kylie.
The seller, 'Anna' , says: "They are so huge I thought they may make someone a nice shawl or, even better, something for Halloween perhaps."
The eBay listing, entitled "Empty condom packet & a photo of The Tart's knickers", also comes with a detailed account of the events leading up to her discovery, in which the woman returned from work to find her husband of 22 years watching a DVD and discouraging her from entering their bedroom.
Read the incredible detailed account posted on eBay - hell have no fury like a woman scorned
In the room she found the empty condom wrapper under his pillow and "the Tart's knickers . . . at the foot of the bed".
Anna also promises that this listing will not be the last in the matter, stating that her husband's Harley Hog is "the next item that will probably be sold on eBay at a start price of 99c and, of course, with no reserve!" Several bidders have already expressed interest in the motorcycle.
The embarrassing eBay listing, which does not name the husband, almost did not make the site though, as it was first taken down due to eBay's policy against selling secondhand underwear, spokeswoman Inessa Jackson said.
"We let her know about the policy and instead she's now selling a photograph of the offending knickers," she told The Courier-Mail.
"eBay does connect colourful buyers with colourful sellers and I wouldn't be surprised if someone did buy these items, though I couldn't speculate on who would buy them or why.
"This is obviously very therapeutic for this woman and it must be a great channel for her views on cheating and the sanctity of marriage."
The listing, which has a starting price of just 69 US cents, had attracted 49 bids by 1.20pm today and a top offer of $US142.50. Follow the bidding at eBay here.
More than 2500 have viewed the auction, however, and with five days to go the listing has also been added to eBay Australia's Best of eBay site.
And she says ...
What scorned wife told eBay over husband's affair
THIS is the description posed by the scorned Queensland wife on eBay describing how she came to try to auction his soiled goods and how she felt about his affair. Everything below appears in the way it was written.
UP FOR AUCTION?ARE ONE EMPTY ANSELL CONDOM PACKET (SIZE small)?
AND A?PHOTO OF?THE PAIR OF?? 'THE TART'S' ?BLACK LACEY KNICKERS (SIZE HUMONGOUS)
IT SEEMS?I HAD VIOLATED EBAY'S SECONDHAND CLOTHES POLICY BY OFFERING 'THE TART'S' (HER NAME'S KYLIE i HAVE SINCE FOUND OUT) ACTUAL KNICKERS?UP FOR AUCTION PREVIOUSLY
I CAN ONLY NOW?OFFER A PHOTO OF THE SAID?KNICKERS AND HAVE ADJUSTED THE STARTING PRICE ACCORDINGLY........ PERSONALLY, I DID THINK .99c WAS A BIT AMBITIOUS BUT, AS THEY ARE SO HUGE, I THOUGHT THEY MAY MAKE SOMEONE A NICE SHAWL OR EVEN BETTER, ?SOMETHING FOR HALLOWEEN PERHAPS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
?
SO HERE'S THE STORY SO FAR.........
Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found?evidence that?the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed?this very afternoon.? This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatently denied that this event?took place?even though the evidence?is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.
The first tiny warning bells?started ringing?around about?the same time a text message was received by the wife stating 'Where are you darling, I'm waiting'.? As the wife had left the soon to be?ex-husband at home?only a couple of?hours earlier to go to work, she thought it somewhat strange getting a message of that ilk from him.?After a while curiosity got the better of her and with some trepidation, she decided to go home after telling her boss she had an upset stomach, which was no lie.? When she arrived home an hour or so later, everything seemed?normal?but she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right.?? His car was parked in the drive-way where she had seen it earlier on and when she got inside, there he was infront of the T.V. watching a DVD as usual.? She explained?she wasn't feeling too well and said she was going?to lie down for a while. His re-action to this was a bit odd to say the least. 'Why don't you lie down here on the couch for a while and I'll get you a cup of tea', he said.?That was her first clue that something really was amiss here. Call?him chauvinistic if you?want and you would be right?because this?low-life had never made her a cup of tea in over 22 years of marriage.... so why?offer now.? Yep, you guessed it, he didn't want her going into the bedroom.... now why was that you may ask.? She concluded later that 'The 'Tart'?must have been?in the process of getting her ass dressed and out of there pronto when?she had unexpectedly arrived home. ?Of course she made a bee line for the bedroom then, with soon to be ex-hubby on her heels and apart from an unmistakable aroma of some cheap perfume?resembling nail polish remover?hanging in the air, nothing seemed to be different - except for one thing.? ?Oh, you men, you will never understand why we have those, annoying to you though they may be, throw pillows and cushions on a bed and what they mean to us women.? They are aesthetically important to?our decor?and when you see?them piled up on a chair in?a corner of the room, instead of on the bed where you arranged them a few hours ago,?those tiny warning bells you heard earlier were?now starting to?sound like 'Big Ben'.? Walking over to the bed,?she started slowly taking?it apart whilst?the soon to be ex-husband stood in the doorway watching.? Initially, when she first took?the doona cover off, she was sure he just thought she was going to have a lie down but he was oh so very wrong.? After the doona was deposited on the floor, she picked up her pillow, turned it over, checked under where it had been and then threw it on the floor.? Then came his pillow, she picked it up and here was where she found the first of the two items up for auction -?an empty condom packet.? With forefinger and thumb, it was gently lifted?from the bed and dangled in front of?the soon to be ex-husband's nose.? He had, by then, turned a?lovely shade of red and you could see his mind was racing,... 'how the hell am I going to get out of this'.? He then said the only inane thing he could come up with at the time which was, 'What's that?'.?As a couple, they had not used condoms for many years, or at least she hadn't,?but surely that didn't mean he could have forgotten what one looked like!? For some reason, she continued to strip the bed and when the top sheet was?removed the location of the 2nd item up for auction, 'The Tart's' knickers, were discovered at the foot of the bed.?
Explanations were?needed pronto?and would you beleive it, he actually came up with some.? They were all a pack of lies and instead of admitting it, apologizing and starting to grovel, this is what he came up with.? 'I dropped my phone down the toilet, I didn't want to put my hands down there and I could't get it out with the toilet brush so I used?a condom because I couldn't find?any rubber gloves'.? Well, well, well, that was thinking on your feet eh!? She thought she had heard it all now but figured she would see how big a hole he really was?keen to dig for himself so she then asked.?' When was that then and?where did you get the condom from?'.? He replied, 'It happened just after you left for work and I rummaged around and found one in the?pocket of an old jacket in the wardrobe'. 'So how is your phone then, is?it working?' she asked...? 'No, it's stuffed', he replied. 'So how do you explain sending me a text?message a couple of hours after I was at work then'.? 'What message? It wasn't from me, my phone's not working', he replied but?noticed he?had gone a funny shade of green as it began to sink in that he had actually sent the text to her by mistake.?'What about these knickers then, what are they doing in our bed and whose are they', she asked thinking to herself, this will be good.? She wasn't disappointed, as blatant as lies go, it was a classic.? 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.?
10 out of 10 for trying buddy but your out of here........? systematically his clothes were gathered up and thrown out the front door along with?'The 'Tart's' knickers which, after second thoughts, were scooped up and retrieved.? YES, there really is a God for?it started to rain then.??Not just that fine rain which gets on your damn nerves but bucket loads of?torrential rain which?the soon to be ex-husband found himself standing in?whilst calling the soon to be ex-missus all the names under the sun. He?was gathering?up his wet soggy clothes and?the photo she had thrown at him of them outside the church on their wedding day (she thought that maybe a nice touch) when?he screamed out for his car keys and wallet. Off she went to get them and with no hesitation, handed them over and told?him to get lost in no uncertain terms then watched as he drove away.? Dangling in her hand was the key she had slipped off his keyring, to the soon to be ex-husband's 'Harley Hog', his pride and joy - which?brings me nicely to the next item?that will probably be sold on?Ebay at a start price of.99c and of course, with no?reserve!?
Damn. It's good to be home again.
But on a brighter note, first thing I see is this crazy story about a women's revenge against her unfaithful husband. It' a rib tickler!
The story unfolds...
Scorned wife's eBay revenge against husband
August 14, 2008 12:00am Sydney Daily telegraph
A SCORNED Queensland woman is literally airing her husband's dirty laundry on a global scale by auctioning his mistress's knickers on eBay.
In a spiteful listing on eBay Australia, the jilted woman is auctioning off a pair of lacy black underpants "size humongous" and an empty condom wrapper "size small" found in her bed after her husband allegedly engaged in an extramarital affair with a woman named Kylie.
The seller, 'Anna' , says: "They are so huge I thought they may make someone a nice shawl or, even better, something for Halloween perhaps."
The eBay listing, entitled "Empty condom packet & a photo of The Tart's knickers", also comes with a detailed account of the events leading up to her discovery, in which the woman returned from work to find her husband of 22 years watching a DVD and discouraging her from entering their bedroom.
Read the incredible detailed account posted on eBay - hell have no fury like a woman scorned
In the room she found the empty condom wrapper under his pillow and "the Tart's knickers . . . at the foot of the bed".
Anna also promises that this listing will not be the last in the matter, stating that her husband's Harley Hog is "the next item that will probably be sold on eBay at a start price of 99c and, of course, with no reserve!" Several bidders have already expressed interest in the motorcycle.
The embarrassing eBay listing, which does not name the husband, almost did not make the site though, as it was first taken down due to eBay's policy against selling secondhand underwear, spokeswoman Inessa Jackson said.
"We let her know about the policy and instead she's now selling a photograph of the offending knickers," she told The Courier-Mail.
"eBay does connect colourful buyers with colourful sellers and I wouldn't be surprised if someone did buy these items, though I couldn't speculate on who would buy them or why.
"This is obviously very therapeutic for this woman and it must be a great channel for her views on cheating and the sanctity of marriage."
The listing, which has a starting price of just 69 US cents, had attracted 49 bids by 1.20pm today and a top offer of $US142.50. Follow the bidding at eBay here.
More than 2500 have viewed the auction, however, and with five days to go the listing has also been added to eBay Australia's Best of eBay site.
And she says ...
What scorned wife told eBay over husband's affair
THIS is the description posed by the scorned Queensland wife on eBay describing how she came to try to auction his soiled goods and how she felt about his affair. Everything below appears in the way it was written.
UP FOR AUCTION?ARE ONE EMPTY ANSELL CONDOM PACKET (SIZE small)?
AND A?PHOTO OF?THE PAIR OF?? 'THE TART'S' ?BLACK LACEY KNICKERS (SIZE HUMONGOUS)
IT SEEMS?I HAD VIOLATED EBAY'S SECONDHAND CLOTHES POLICY BY OFFERING 'THE TART'S' (HER NAME'S KYLIE i HAVE SINCE FOUND OUT) ACTUAL KNICKERS?UP FOR AUCTION PREVIOUSLY
I CAN ONLY NOW?OFFER A PHOTO OF THE SAID?KNICKERS AND HAVE ADJUSTED THE STARTING PRICE ACCORDINGLY........ PERSONALLY, I DID THINK .99c WAS A BIT AMBITIOUS BUT, AS THEY ARE SO HUGE, I THOUGHT THEY MAY MAKE SOMEONE A NICE SHAWL OR EVEN BETTER, ?SOMETHING FOR HALLOWEEN PERHAPS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
?
SO HERE'S THE STORY SO FAR.........
Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found?evidence that?the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed?this very afternoon.? This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatently denied that this event?took place?even though the evidence?is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.
The first tiny warning bells?started ringing?around about?the same time a text message was received by the wife stating 'Where are you darling, I'm waiting'.? As the wife had left the soon to be?ex-husband at home?only a couple of?hours earlier to go to work, she thought it somewhat strange getting a message of that ilk from him.?After a while curiosity got the better of her and with some trepidation, she decided to go home after telling her boss she had an upset stomach, which was no lie.? When she arrived home an hour or so later, everything seemed?normal?but she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right.?? His car was parked in the drive-way where she had seen it earlier on and when she got inside, there he was infront of the T.V. watching a DVD as usual.? She explained?she wasn't feeling too well and said she was going?to lie down for a while. His re-action to this was a bit odd to say the least. 'Why don't you lie down here on the couch for a while and I'll get you a cup of tea', he said.?That was her first clue that something really was amiss here. Call?him chauvinistic if you?want and you would be right?because this?low-life had never made her a cup of tea in over 22 years of marriage.... so why?offer now.? Yep, you guessed it, he didn't want her going into the bedroom.... now why was that you may ask.? She concluded later that 'The 'Tart'?must have been?in the process of getting her ass dressed and out of there pronto when?she had unexpectedly arrived home. ?Of course she made a bee line for the bedroom then, with soon to be ex-hubby on her heels and apart from an unmistakable aroma of some cheap perfume?resembling nail polish remover?hanging in the air, nothing seemed to be different - except for one thing.? ?Oh, you men, you will never understand why we have those, annoying to you though they may be, throw pillows and cushions on a bed and what they mean to us women.? They are aesthetically important to?our decor?and when you see?them piled up on a chair in?a corner of the room, instead of on the bed where you arranged them a few hours ago,?those tiny warning bells you heard earlier were?now starting to?sound like 'Big Ben'.? Walking over to the bed,?she started slowly taking?it apart whilst?the soon to be ex-husband stood in the doorway watching.? Initially, when she first took?the doona cover off, she was sure he just thought she was going to have a lie down but he was oh so very wrong.? After the doona was deposited on the floor, she picked up her pillow, turned it over, checked under where it had been and then threw it on the floor.? Then came his pillow, she picked it up and here was where she found the first of the two items up for auction -?an empty condom packet.? With forefinger and thumb, it was gently lifted?from the bed and dangled in front of?the soon to be ex-husband's nose.? He had, by then, turned a?lovely shade of red and you could see his mind was racing,... 'how the hell am I going to get out of this'.? He then said the only inane thing he could come up with at the time which was, 'What's that?'.?As a couple, they had not used condoms for many years, or at least she hadn't,?but surely that didn't mean he could have forgotten what one looked like!? For some reason, she continued to strip the bed and when the top sheet was?removed the location of the 2nd item up for auction, 'The Tart's' knickers, were discovered at the foot of the bed.?
Explanations were?needed pronto?and would you beleive it, he actually came up with some.? They were all a pack of lies and instead of admitting it, apologizing and starting to grovel, this is what he came up with.? 'I dropped my phone down the toilet, I didn't want to put my hands down there and I could't get it out with the toilet brush so I used?a condom because I couldn't find?any rubber gloves'.? Well, well, well, that was thinking on your feet eh!? She thought she had heard it all now but figured she would see how big a hole he really was?keen to dig for himself so she then asked.?' When was that then and?where did you get the condom from?'.? He replied, 'It happened just after you left for work and I rummaged around and found one in the?pocket of an old jacket in the wardrobe'. 'So how is your phone then, is?it working?' she asked...? 'No, it's stuffed', he replied. 'So how do you explain sending me a text?message a couple of hours after I was at work then'.? 'What message? It wasn't from me, my phone's not working', he replied but?noticed he?had gone a funny shade of green as it began to sink in that he had actually sent the text to her by mistake.?'What about these knickers then, what are they doing in our bed and whose are they', she asked thinking to herself, this will be good.? She wasn't disappointed, as blatant as lies go, it was a classic.? 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.?
10 out of 10 for trying buddy but your out of here........? systematically his clothes were gathered up and thrown out the front door along with?'The 'Tart's' knickers which, after second thoughts, were scooped up and retrieved.? YES, there really is a God for?it started to rain then.??Not just that fine rain which gets on your damn nerves but bucket loads of?torrential rain which?the soon to be ex-husband found himself standing in?whilst calling the soon to be ex-missus all the names under the sun. He?was gathering?up his wet soggy clothes and?the photo she had thrown at him of them outside the church on their wedding day (she thought that maybe a nice touch) when?he screamed out for his car keys and wallet. Off she went to get them and with no hesitation, handed them over and told?him to get lost in no uncertain terms then watched as he drove away.? Dangling in her hand was the key she had slipped off his keyring, to the soon to be ex-husband's 'Harley Hog', his pride and joy - which?brings me nicely to the next item?that will probably be sold on?Ebay at a start price of.99c and of course, with no?reserve!?
Monday, July 7, 2008
Conundrums
I'm overseas but thinking of you all! Read this and consider these serious matters whilst I conduct commerce.
· 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
· 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
· 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
· 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
· 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
· 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
· 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
· 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
· 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
· 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
· 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
· 12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
· 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
· 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
· 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
· 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?
· 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
· 18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
· 19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $3 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
· 20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
· 21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
· 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
· 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
· 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
· 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
· 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
· 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
· 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
· 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
· 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
· 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
· 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
· 12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
· 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
· 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
· 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
· 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?
· 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
· 18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
· 19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $3 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
· 20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
· 21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Rum the remedy for snake bite on penis
A MAN bitten on the penis by a deadly snake has told how he used a cold rum can to soothe the pain while he rang his mother to say a final goodbye.
"I thought I was gone," Daryl Zutt said of his now notorious encounter with a brown snake during a roadside toilet stop in remote far north Queensland, Australia, The Cairns Post reported.
"I thought, ‘Maybe, this is it. Maybe, I’m gonna cark it(die)’."
The Cairns Post revealed details of the bizarre encounter two weeks ago but the identity of the victim remained unknown until Mr Zutt came forward to tell how the brown snake took a near-fatal swipe as he relieved himself.
"I squatted down … I reckon I must’ve nearly sat on his head," he said.
"As soon as I felt it, I yelled.
"It really hurt.
"When it happened, I knew in the back of my mind it was a snake.
"I seen him coming out from between my legs."
He said he tried to remain calm as he inspected the damage.
"He got me about halfway down," he said. "I saw fang marks and a bit of blood come out."
Mr Zutt's friend drove him to a medical centre before he was moved to a hospital for further tests which showed he was not envenomated.
"They’ve been saying things like ‘It was a trouser snake fight’ and ‘He (the snake) saw the competition and got scared’," Mr Zutt said.
"Once they knew I was right, the jokes came out."
"I thought I was gone," Daryl Zutt said of his now notorious encounter with a brown snake during a roadside toilet stop in remote far north Queensland, Australia, The Cairns Post reported.
"I thought, ‘Maybe, this is it. Maybe, I’m gonna cark it(die)’."
The Cairns Post revealed details of the bizarre encounter two weeks ago but the identity of the victim remained unknown until Mr Zutt came forward to tell how the brown snake took a near-fatal swipe as he relieved himself.
"I squatted down … I reckon I must’ve nearly sat on his head," he said.
"As soon as I felt it, I yelled.
"It really hurt.
"When it happened, I knew in the back of my mind it was a snake.
"I seen him coming out from between my legs."
He said he tried to remain calm as he inspected the damage.
"He got me about halfway down," he said. "I saw fang marks and a bit of blood come out."
Mr Zutt's friend drove him to a medical centre before he was moved to a hospital for further tests which showed he was not envenomated.
"They’ve been saying things like ‘It was a trouser snake fight’ and ‘He (the snake) saw the competition and got scared’," Mr Zutt said.
"Once they knew I was right, the jokes came out."
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