A Wicked Wit!

I have a favourite journalist. With a wicked sense of humor Joe Hildebrand, of the Sydney Daily Telegraph. Read and enjoy!

Reflections on Mischa Barton’s bottom
This week I sat down to write a column about how I always seem to keep offending people, and by “people” I mean “Clare”.
Clare is a girl I work with whom has often been described as “charmingly petulant” - albeit mostly by me and with a fair degree of lattitude in the meaning of the first word.
Clare is very small and cute and seems like a kindly and warm soul but if you cross her even once she will tear out your eyes with a butterknife.
So I was about to write a column about how I always seem to offend Clare because as well as being highly volatile and prone to violence, she is also quite sensitive - especially about personal things being discussed in public.
Then all of a sudden I got a phone call from Bryon.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hello,” said Bryon.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Oh nothing,” said Bryon.
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah,” said Bryon.
“Right,” I said.
“What are you doing?” said Bryon.
“I’m doing a column on offending people,” I said.
“I’ll tell you what’s offensive,” said Bryon. “Mischa Barton’s arse.”
And with that, he was gone.
I later learned that Bryon was making reference to the growing controversy surrounding the size and texture of Mischa Barton’s caravan of courage.
Apparently it has been discovered that Mischa Barton has cellulite, which is that colourful see-through paper your mother used to wrap up birthday cake so the other kids couldn’t tell it was mouldy. Apparently Mischa’s stylists had the same thing in mind.
What a terrible situation, I thought. Mischa’s clearly going through a very difficult time and here the media is cruelly exploiting her. And to see just how cruel, check out our Mischa Barton cellulite horror picture gallery at dailytelegraph.com.au.
It’s certainly an eye-opening experience that makes you think about your own mortality. Of course luckily the scourge of cellulite is one fatty menace that is yet to ravage my body, which at least sets it apart from Darrin.
I was just reflecting upon this when I received another phone call from Bryon.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hello,” said Bryon.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Oh nothing,” said Bryon.
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah,” said Bryon.
“Right,” I said.
“What are you doing?” said Bryon.
“I’m writing a column about Mischa Barton’s arse,” I said.
“I’ll tell you something about Mischa Barton’s arse,” said Bryon. “It’s great.”
And with that, he was gone.
So then it got me thinking, was there anything actually wrong with cellulite?
Sure, it looks like cottage cheese but a lot of people love cottage cheese. In fact if you’re growing up in an all female house without a strong male role model it’s perfectly natural.
Cellulite also looks a bit like scrambled eggs, which is also very popular. In fact at Bowral’s Cafe Rocca they will charge you an extra 80 cents to scramble your eggs, which is a bit like a hairdresser charging extra to mess up your hair, which is in fact pretty much what they do.
(Incidentally, in fact-checking for this story I rang Cafe Rocca to ask if it cost an extra 80 cents for scrambled eggs and the person who answered the phone just said “Yeah”. What does one have to do to arouse suspicion?)
And cellulite is also soft - have you ever heard of someone say they hate pillows? Plenty of times but Darrin always talks them round.
But most importantly cellulite is as natural as Mischa Barton’s acting, and everybody likes that too - with the obvious exception of the Academy.
So I was reflecting on this when the phone rang again.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hello,” said Bryon.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Oh nothing,” said Bryon.
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah,” said Bryon.
“Right,” I said.
“What are you doing?” said Bryon.
“I’m doing a column on body image,” I said.
“I’ll tell you something about body image,” said Bryon. “It’s all a conspiracy by gay fashion designers to make women look like boys.”
And with that, he was gone.
Surely, I thought to myself, there must be someone I can report him to?